• Start with a strong, supportive connection with your child so he knows you’re on his side and wants to please you. (Page 210)
  • Don’t start talking until you’re connected. Look your child in the eye. Touch him to get his attention. (Page 210)
  • Join with her as you set the limit. “This looks like so much fun . . . but I’m afraid someone’s going to get hurt here.” (Page 210)
  • Set the limit calmly, kindly, and with genuine empathy. “Ouch! I don’t yell at you, so please don’t yell at me. You must be really upset to use that tone of voice. What’s the matter, sweetie?” (Page 210)
  • Acknowledge her point of view as you set the limit. “It’s hard to stop playing and come inside. But now it’s time for your bath.” (Page 210)
  • Help your child feel less “pushed around” by offering a choice. “Do you want to come in now, or in five minutes?” (Page 210)
  • Get agreement so your child “owns” the limit. “Okay, five minutes, but no fuss in five minutes, right? Let’s shake on it.” (Page 210)
  • Follow through, pleasantly. (Page 211)
  • Keep joining and empathizing. “You’re having so much fun out here! But now it’s time for your bath.” (Page 211)
  • Limit the negotiations. “I know it’s hard to stop playing, but we agreed five minutes and no fuss. It’s been five minutes. Let’s go.” (Page 211)
  • Don’t expect him to like it. (Page 211)
    • You can empathize with his unhappiness without changing your limit. “I hear that you hate coming inside when some of the other kids get to stay out later. That must be hard. But you need a bath tonight and I want to be sure we get time for a story before bed.” (Page 211)
  • When you can’t grant a wish in reality, grant it in fantasy. “I bet when you grow up you’ll stay up and play outside all night every single night, won’t you?” (Page 211)
  • If your child cries or rages at your limit, listen to her feelings. Once children feel heard, they’re much more cooperative. “You wish you could have candy. . . . Now you’re crying. . . . I’m right here, sweetie, with a hug when you’re ready.” (Page 212)
  • Respond to the need or feeling that’s driving the behavior. (Page 212)
  • Resist the temptation to be punitive in any way. (Page 212)
    • Criticism makes it more likely that our child will rebel against our rules. (Page 212)
  • When your child defies you, focus on the relationship, rather than on discipline. (Page 212)
  • When all else fails, try a hug. (Page 212)